Crazy For You
Jul. 13th, 2011 06:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rocketcockTitle: Crazy For You
Author:rocketcock (originally howxixdisappear)
Pairing: Frank/Gerard
Rating: Adult
Word Count: 1567
Summary: I can feel your skin on my sheets.
Disclaimer: I'm a pathological liar. True story...or is it?
I can feel your skin on my sheets.
I can smell you. Everywhere.
I can hear you, taste you, you are everywhere.
You are everything.
But I forgot your face.
It’s gone. It’s fucking gone gone gone I can’t find it anywhere where did it go why can’t I see you when everyone else still can where did you GO?
***
You said, we can’t keep doing this.
I said, we can. But you shook your head, biting down on your lip and looking sad. I never saw you cry before, but you cried then. I said, I love you.
You said, you don’t. There was no convincing you. You pushed past me, ran inside. I stood out in the street forever. Forever and ever in the wet wet rain, waiting until your brother chased me away, yelling and yelling because I wasn’t any good for you. He said, stay the FUCK away from my brother! He said, he’s been through enough without you making things worse! He said, don’t come back.
It wasn’t until later that I realized you came out to stand on the front porch. To watch. Watching watching watching, you didn’t help me. You didn’t call him off. When he came home, my blood on his fists, did you ask him what he did? Did you say anything at all?
No. No no no no you did not. You did not.
***
We met in the hospital. The hospital when you had a broken head. That’s what you said. You broke your head and I probably did too and that’s why we were together. You didn’t remember a lot of things from before you came to the hospital. You remembered flashing lights and a headache and someone screaming. I don’t remember anything at all before for the hospital.
Someone told me I have a family somewhere. Parents. A fiancé, even. But she left because I think I said something bad and made her cry. And I don’t remember my parents. I think I made them cry too. I don’t think I was a very good person before I went to the hospital. You told me I was a good person.
You told me at the hospital.
You backed away when I first kissed you. You didn’t understand that I thought you were beautiful. Liar liar liar, you shouted. You threw a lamp at me. It missed because I stepped back, and I kept saying, I love you. You threw more things, hollering LIAR!
When you got too tired to throw and yell, you sat on the floor. You wouldn’t look at me, but you didn’t move away when I sat next to you and held you. You buried your face in my chest, but you didn’t cry. You never cried. You were really brave all the time, that’s what your brother said. You protected him. You protected everyone. But now you needed to be protected, because your head got broken like mine.
We were quiet for a really long time. I held you tight and I played with your hair, like I saw on TV. Like I think I might have done once to a pretty girl before I broke my head. You were breathing really hard, and later a nurse said that it’s because you have panic attacks and they make you sick sometimes. When you stopped breathing like that, you kissed me. You said, I love you too.
***
We were going to get married, remember? My head was getting better and the doctor said yours was too. We were okay. Okay? We were okay. You were happy all the time, and we had a house, remember? We had a house. It was really nice, and you loved it. I loved you more than the house, and I think you loved me that much too.
Sometimes you liked to be left alone. Your head would hurt and you would have a panic attack and I think you just didn’t want me to see you when you had to cry. I would sit outside of the room with my back against the door. Sometimes I would sing, and when you came out your eyes were red but you’d smile anyway and curl up in my lap. I wrote a song for you, and it always made you happy even when we were fighting.
And then we were fighting fighting fighting always fighting and you needed more alone time and sometimes you’d have your alone time at your brother’s house and he’d call me and yell at me. I was starting to remember me before the hospital. I remembered what a bad person I was. I was mean, you know that? I was a really mean person and I was too afraid to tell you because I thought it would make you too sad. I started making you sad a lot.
But then I’d sing the song I wrote for you and you would be okay again. I said, I’m sorry baby I love you.
You would say, I love you. But you stopped saying ‘too’. I think you stopped believing me when the fighting fighting fighting got really bad. But it was true. I really really loved you.
***
I hit you on our wedding night… remember? You looked so sad. But you didn’t cry. You didn’t even ask for alone time. You started to stutter again like you did in the hospital. Remember when you stuttered in the hospital? It’s because you fell and you hit your head and it broke. But when you started to get better the stuttering went away.
Did I break you that night? I cried but you didn’t. You stuttered, I’m sorry, in a really quiet voice. You didn’t talk too much after that.
***
You crawl in through the window. You crawl in to my bed. You’re crying.
I can’t stay away from you, you sob sob sob. Your stutter hasn’t got away and it reminds me of what I did to you. There’s still a bruise on your cheek and it makes me feel sick.
I say, maybe you should. But you just cuddle really close to me and cry cry cry until you fall asleep. I hold on to you tight like I always do and I watch you sleep. You’re beautiful.
***
Your doctor told me you stopped taking your medicine. It was the same doctor who told me that your head will never stop being broken. It pretends sometimes that it’s okay but when things get too hard for you, it has to stop pretending. The doctor said that you were born that way but when you fell it got worse. He said it’s a psychotic episode. I don’t like those words. When he said them, I knew what they meant but I don’t think I remember anymore.
I got really mad. I yelled at him because those words made me so mad. I said, Gerard isn’t fucking crazy! I said, he’s fine! He’s fucking fine! You don’t know anything, he’s okay!
The doctor said that I was born broken too. He told me that’s why I lived in a hospital for so long.
I said, you’re full of shit.
***
You tried to kill yourself. That’s what your brother said. You jumped out of a window because your nightmares were getting worse and you didn’t want to be alive anymore. You didn’t stutter before that happened, but your head was broken and then you stuttered.
He told me about it in the hospital. He told me how you took care of him even when you couldn’t take care of yourself.
I think I tried to kill myself too but I don’t remember when or how or why. I didn’t like to talk about that stuff when I started to remember again. I think I didn’t want to remember.
***
I stopped taking my medicine.
I stopped thinking.
I stopped living.
I stopped breathing.
I jumped out of a window.
I couldn’t stop dreaming about you. Nightmares always nightmares bad bad bad dreams oh God please make them stop.
I could feel you, Gerard.
I could smell you.
I could taste you everywhere everything you are everything but I couldn’t see your face without looking at a photograph.
I jumped out of a window like you did.
I broke my head again and again and again.
I went back to the hospital and I remembered you.
I remembered how I hurt you and then I started to get better.
Back home you crawled in through the window because I lock the door at night. You looked different from the photographs and then I remembered that we haven’t seen each other in almost two years. You never took off your ring.
You were crying. You said you missed me. You said, I can’t stay away from you.
I said, maybe you should.
You cried until you fell asleep.
This feels too familiar.
***
You stutter, I love you.
I say, I love you too.
You’re quiet for a minute, you look at me. When I smile, you smile back. You lean against me and kiss my cheek.
You say, I know.
***
I can feel your skin on my sheets.
I can smell you. Everywhere.
I can hear you, taste you, you are everywhere.
You are everything.
You’re beautiful.
I love you.
Author:
rocketcock (originally howxixdisappear)Pairing: Frank/Gerard
Rating: Adult
Word Count: 1567
Summary: I can feel your skin on my sheets.
Disclaimer: I'm a pathological liar. True story...or is it?
I can feel your skin on my sheets.
I can smell you. Everywhere.
I can hear you, taste you, you are everywhere.
You are everything.
But I forgot your face.
It’s gone. It’s fucking gone gone gone I can’t find it anywhere where did it go why can’t I see you when everyone else still can where did you GO?
***
You said, we can’t keep doing this.
I said, we can. But you shook your head, biting down on your lip and looking sad. I never saw you cry before, but you cried then. I said, I love you.
You said, you don’t. There was no convincing you. You pushed past me, ran inside. I stood out in the street forever. Forever and ever in the wet wet rain, waiting until your brother chased me away, yelling and yelling because I wasn’t any good for you. He said, stay the FUCK away from my brother! He said, he’s been through enough without you making things worse! He said, don’t come back.
It wasn’t until later that I realized you came out to stand on the front porch. To watch. Watching watching watching, you didn’t help me. You didn’t call him off. When he came home, my blood on his fists, did you ask him what he did? Did you say anything at all?
No. No no no no you did not. You did not.
***
We met in the hospital. The hospital when you had a broken head. That’s what you said. You broke your head and I probably did too and that’s why we were together. You didn’t remember a lot of things from before you came to the hospital. You remembered flashing lights and a headache and someone screaming. I don’t remember anything at all before for the hospital.
Someone told me I have a family somewhere. Parents. A fiancé, even. But she left because I think I said something bad and made her cry. And I don’t remember my parents. I think I made them cry too. I don’t think I was a very good person before I went to the hospital. You told me I was a good person.
You told me at the hospital.
You backed away when I first kissed you. You didn’t understand that I thought you were beautiful. Liar liar liar, you shouted. You threw a lamp at me. It missed because I stepped back, and I kept saying, I love you. You threw more things, hollering LIAR!
When you got too tired to throw and yell, you sat on the floor. You wouldn’t look at me, but you didn’t move away when I sat next to you and held you. You buried your face in my chest, but you didn’t cry. You never cried. You were really brave all the time, that’s what your brother said. You protected him. You protected everyone. But now you needed to be protected, because your head got broken like mine.
We were quiet for a really long time. I held you tight and I played with your hair, like I saw on TV. Like I think I might have done once to a pretty girl before I broke my head. You were breathing really hard, and later a nurse said that it’s because you have panic attacks and they make you sick sometimes. When you stopped breathing like that, you kissed me. You said, I love you too.
***
We were going to get married, remember? My head was getting better and the doctor said yours was too. We were okay. Okay? We were okay. You were happy all the time, and we had a house, remember? We had a house. It was really nice, and you loved it. I loved you more than the house, and I think you loved me that much too.
Sometimes you liked to be left alone. Your head would hurt and you would have a panic attack and I think you just didn’t want me to see you when you had to cry. I would sit outside of the room with my back against the door. Sometimes I would sing, and when you came out your eyes were red but you’d smile anyway and curl up in my lap. I wrote a song for you, and it always made you happy even when we were fighting.
And then we were fighting fighting fighting always fighting and you needed more alone time and sometimes you’d have your alone time at your brother’s house and he’d call me and yell at me. I was starting to remember me before the hospital. I remembered what a bad person I was. I was mean, you know that? I was a really mean person and I was too afraid to tell you because I thought it would make you too sad. I started making you sad a lot.
But then I’d sing the song I wrote for you and you would be okay again. I said, I’m sorry baby I love you.
You would say, I love you. But you stopped saying ‘too’. I think you stopped believing me when the fighting fighting fighting got really bad. But it was true. I really really loved you.
***
I hit you on our wedding night… remember? You looked so sad. But you didn’t cry. You didn’t even ask for alone time. You started to stutter again like you did in the hospital. Remember when you stuttered in the hospital? It’s because you fell and you hit your head and it broke. But when you started to get better the stuttering went away.
Did I break you that night? I cried but you didn’t. You stuttered, I’m sorry, in a really quiet voice. You didn’t talk too much after that.
***
You crawl in through the window. You crawl in to my bed. You’re crying.
I can’t stay away from you, you sob sob sob. Your stutter hasn’t got away and it reminds me of what I did to you. There’s still a bruise on your cheek and it makes me feel sick.
I say, maybe you should. But you just cuddle really close to me and cry cry cry until you fall asleep. I hold on to you tight like I always do and I watch you sleep. You’re beautiful.
***
Your doctor told me you stopped taking your medicine. It was the same doctor who told me that your head will never stop being broken. It pretends sometimes that it’s okay but when things get too hard for you, it has to stop pretending. The doctor said that you were born that way but when you fell it got worse. He said it’s a psychotic episode. I don’t like those words. When he said them, I knew what they meant but I don’t think I remember anymore.
I got really mad. I yelled at him because those words made me so mad. I said, Gerard isn’t fucking crazy! I said, he’s fine! He’s fucking fine! You don’t know anything, he’s okay!
The doctor said that I was born broken too. He told me that’s why I lived in a hospital for so long.
I said, you’re full of shit.
***
You tried to kill yourself. That’s what your brother said. You jumped out of a window because your nightmares were getting worse and you didn’t want to be alive anymore. You didn’t stutter before that happened, but your head was broken and then you stuttered.
He told me about it in the hospital. He told me how you took care of him even when you couldn’t take care of yourself.
I think I tried to kill myself too but I don’t remember when or how or why. I didn’t like to talk about that stuff when I started to remember again. I think I didn’t want to remember.
***
I stopped taking my medicine.
I stopped thinking.
I stopped living.
I stopped breathing.
I jumped out of a window.
I couldn’t stop dreaming about you. Nightmares always nightmares bad bad bad dreams oh God please make them stop.
I could feel you, Gerard.
I could smell you.
I could taste you everywhere everything you are everything but I couldn’t see your face without looking at a photograph.
I jumped out of a window like you did.
I broke my head again and again and again.
I went back to the hospital and I remembered you.
I remembered how I hurt you and then I started to get better.
Back home you crawled in through the window because I lock the door at night. You looked different from the photographs and then I remembered that we haven’t seen each other in almost two years. You never took off your ring.
You were crying. You said you missed me. You said, I can’t stay away from you.
I said, maybe you should.
You cried until you fell asleep.
This feels too familiar.
***
You stutter, I love you.
I say, I love you too.
You’re quiet for a minute, you look at me. When I smile, you smile back. You lean against me and kiss my cheek.
You say, I know.
***
I can feel your skin on my sheets.
I can smell you. Everywhere.
I can hear you, taste you, you are everywhere.
You are everything.
You’re beautiful.
I love you.